Deep Work Out Loud Newsletter #3 - Say Yes to Joy

Things I’m thinking about

Say Yes to Joy

A few months ago, a friend told me about taking a pottery class vacation. The concept stopped me short. A whole trip built around doing an artistic thing I love? It sounded so decadent. A real “maybe, someday” sort of thing. I filed it away, but it stayed with me.

I told my husband about it. He researched and bought me a class in Barcelona for my birthday, and we started planning. We booked a week away, and built it around the pottery studio and the class schedule. 

I spent a week making my first teapot. My husband spent the week writing and wandering through museums. We bought groceries.  We cooked and ate slowly. We figured out the neighborhood. By the end of the week we felt less like tourists and more like people who happened to live there for a little while. We made friends and shared meals. It made everything richer - the trip filled us up rather than depleting us - even though we walked and biked a million steps a day. We connected with who we were, setting aside what we do for just a little while.

I've been thinking about that ever since. Not the pottery specifically, but the gap between seeing something that lights you up and actually saying yes to it.

Here's what happened the week we got home from vacation: my husband showed me a writing workshop that lit him up, but the timing was tricky. He sent it to me the way you send something you've already half-talked yourself out of. A ‘wouldn't-this-be-a-dream’ kind of message.

I wrote back: Book it right now. Go.

He said it hadn't occurred to him that he could.

That's the thing, isn't it? It's not that we've decided we can't have it. It's that we haven't quite registered that it's actually available to us. The dream is right there and we're treating it like a window display -  something to admire, not something to walk in and try on.

Say yes to the things that light you up. And when the people you love show you their window display, tell them to go inside.

Coaching Thoughts 

People come to coaching with a presenting problem  -  a difficult team, a role they’ve outgrown, a feeling that something's off. What they actually want, sometimes, is permission. Permission to fully inhabit the life and leadership they’re already in. Sometimes it’s about their job and sometimes it isn’t. They're not lacking information or strategy. They're waiting for someone to tell them it's okay. 

And the longer I do this work, the more I think this is a big piece of it  - figuring out who you decided gets to give you permission, and quietly taking it back. 

I'm currently working with someone who I think has the kind of talent that doesn't come along very often. She knows what she wants. She can see it. She's just circling the edge of it, picking up the idea and putting it back down, waiting for something she can't quite name. I have a hunch I know what it is. It's permission. And I can't give it to her, that's not how it works. But I can sit with her until she gives it to herself. 

Update 

If you’re following along on my house transition, it was listed, sold, and closed since my last newsletter. I spent a week there doing the final pack out and close up. It became quite apparent to me that I was really ok letting the house go, (especially as I was eaten by mosquitos in the back yard!) but it is my friends that I will miss. I spent 30 years building a network and community in LA and that is so bittersweet to move away from. Luckily for us we have the technology to stay connected, even though it’s not quite the same as meeting up for a walk on the spur of the moment. If you’re in LA reading this, please keep in touch!

One last smell from my backyard. :)

What the Podcast Is Exploring or I love it when a theme accidentally comes together

Brian Duggan - Making Fewer, Better Decisions - laid out a beautiful new framework for leading in complexity - the Five Vs. It occurs to me as I’m writing this that the leaders he’s talking about are not afraid to lead, but his framework gives them permission to let go of the over-functioning, trust the vision, and let go of the type of control they are used to. You can listen to it here.

Connie Liu (Humor at Work): Levity isn't the opposite of seriousness - it's what makes sustained serious work possible. The "yes, and" mindset unlocks creativity in a way that efficiency culture can't. There's also something here about integration  -  the funny version of you and the capable version of you are the same person, and workplaces that force you to split them extract a real cost. Again, permission to be funny! Listen here.

Marie Smith (Living Off Menu): Permission is the core wound, even though we don’t always realize it. So many people are waiting for someone to hand them a life they're allowed to live — except that someone is themselves. Worthiness that has to be earned isn't really worthiness. The most radical act might be a small one: just stating a need out loud and seeing what happens. Listen here.

Rishikesh Tirumalai (Disruption as Alignment): Permission to slow down. Slowing down is the disruption. Not burning it all down, just getting quiet enough to hear what's actually true for you. Grief as teacher. Non-striving as a radical act. The body knows before the mind does. And the most subversive thing you can do in urgency culture is refuse to be urgent. Sometimes this is the exact thing that’s needed, and it’s courageous to meet that need. Listen here. 

All of these are also available in all of these places:  https://linktr.ee/julieharrisoliver

Question to think about:

What are you waiting for permission to do? And whose permission are you waiting for?

Julie Harris Oliver is an executive coach and the host of Deep Work Out Loud. You can work with her at julieharrisoliver.com