EP 13 Living Off Menu: Worthiness, Permission, and Small Experiments with Marie Smith | Deep Work Out Loud
Julie Harris Oliver: Welcome to Deep Work Out Loud, the thinking that fuels our life, our work, and our leadership. I'm Julie Harris Oliver. This is the podcast where I sit with another professional coach and we do some work around a single idea, a concept, something we're inspired by, something that has come up a lot in our coaching, and if we're very lucky while talking about it, we might get a minute or two of what coaching might look and feel like, but we'll see how this goes. These are all an experiment. With any luck, you'll leave with something you can apply and use in your work or your life, or both.
And today I'm here with Marie Smith. Marie is the founder of Golden Hour Coaching and a nationally recognized voice in women's energy leadership and transformation. Doesn't that sound juicy? A bestselling author, international mindset coach and retreat leader. She helps high achieving women shift from burnout to vitality using her signature golden flow framework. [00:01:00] Nourish, move, rest, repeat. She's a certified life and health coach, clarity catalyst trainer and co-author of Heal To Lead Stories to turn your wounds into wisdom. A former educator and personal trainer, Marie Blend soul and strategy to guide women back to their truth. She lives in Nashville with her family and believes your light is worth protecting. Hello Marie.
Marie Smith: Hello. Thank you for having me.
Julie Harris Oliver: I kind of wanna dig into all of those things,
Marie Smith: Okay.
Julie Harris Oliver: we are gonna focus 'cause that's what this podcast is. So before we dig in, why don't you tell me what was your journey to becoming a coach?
Marie Smith: Sure. So, I was a teacher in my former life before I had kids. And then my husband was. His first job, he was posted outside of St. Louis. And so we were up there when our first two kids were born and we always wanted to live in Nashville. And so it was kinda like, how are we gonna get to Nashville?
And after the second one was born, it was like, okay, this is really hard to do without [00:02:00] family and a lot of close friends nearby. So, with his job, we wouldn't be able to move for like five or six years. So I got into grad school at Vanderbilt and got my Master's, so we were able to move. I got my Master's and then.
Instead of going back to teaching, I had another baby and then had another baby and then started group fitness training. 'cause I was teaching classes 'cause I was at the gym all the time and I'm like, I wanna make some money. And then I was like, you know what? I think I really wanna do personal training.
So I started that and then I had another baby. So five in total?
Julie Harris Oliver: have we up to?
Marie Smith: Five we're up to five. And that's the it, that was the last one.
Julie Harris Oliver: Okay.
Marie Smith: anyway, so I was a trainer for about 10 years when I started feeling like. Is this it? Is this all there is? You know, and I consider myself a pretty smart person and I feel like I have a lot to give and I knew there was something more inside me.
And so that's when I kind of started [00:03:00] my coaching journey, which was really inspired by a retreat that I went on with a friend of mine who's a coach. And during a meditation, I heard what I believed to be the voice of the Holy Spirit telling me to be a life coach, which was interesting because I. One had never heard the Holy Spirit before.
And two didn't really know what a life coach did. So that was a little bit of research. And then found health and wellness coach, uh, dual certificate program. So I got health and wellness coaching and life coach certified in that six month program. And then since saying yes to that, just door after door has opened.
And I have never felt more like I'm on the path I'm supposed to be on than I do now.
Julie Harris Oliver: Oh, first of all, it's hard to argue with the Holy Spirit
Marie Smith: Right. I mean, okay, if you say so.
Julie Harris Oliver: I'm curious, what did that sound like?
Marie Smith: It sounded like a voice in front of my face, like not inside my head, which was interesting. But it sounded like the voice was like right in front of, [00:04:00] like right in front of me, and it just said, you have to be a life coach.
Julie Harris Oliver: Amazing.
Marie Smith: just like. What? And it was funny 'cause I shared after the meditation I shared with the other people, I was like so I heard this voice and, and one of the ladies was like, well, do you wanna be a life coach or a health coach?
'cause you know, you're already in like the health field. And I'm like, I don't know Tammy. I just found out I'm supposed to be doing this.
Julie Harris Oliver: This wasn't my idea.
Marie Smith: I don't even know what's going right now.
Julie Harris Oliver: So cool.
Marie Smith: Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: What did you wanna talk about today?
Marie Smith: So I was, I have started listening to books. I used to never listen to books. I'm like a big book in my hand kind of person. But I realized that like, I don't. I'm not gonna say I don't have the time, but I don't make the time to sit down and read a book very often unless it's when I'm going to bed, right?
Like, and so what I discovered is if I [00:05:00] listen to a book, I can like double the amount of, or even triple the amount of books that I read in a year because. I can listen to 'em when I'm in the car, when I'm walking the dog, when I'm doing chores, when I, you know, and so I was listening to, you Can Do Hard Things by uh, Glennon Doyle and Abby Womack and Amanda Doyle.
Julie Harris Oliver: One of my favorites.
Marie Smith: Okay. So as I'm like, I mean, I still remember like where I was in my neighborhood. I'm like walking along and Glennon was talking about when she and Abby go to a restaurant. Glennon, she said, I order off the menu. Like I look at the menu and I pick what I wanna eat. And then the waiter asks Abby what she wants and she starts like, well I like this, but can I have this side instead?
And will you please remove, you know, whatever and add this in for me? And they always are like, yes, sure. That's great. She said, and then I start to get a little bit resentful 'cause I'm like, I thought we were being polite and ordering off the menu and.
Julie Harris Oliver: she's a rules girl.
Marie Smith: Yeah. You know, [00:06:00] like what I, I thought we were following the rules and doing this and this.
These were our choices. I thought that was it. And she said, isn't it like that with life? How when we see somebody living off menu and kind of doing their own thing and we're like, well, who does she think she is breaking all these rules? Like what? I was given a menu of like, you know, 10 things that I could be when I grew up and she's not doing any of those things.
That's not fair. Like, and so I thought, oh, that is such an interesting. Concept about living off menu. 'cause I feel like, like I said, with my coaching journey and thing, all these doors opening for me, I feel like I'm kind of starting to live off menu. Like I lead retreats, I go on retreats and you know, I have an amazing husband who's very supportive and helpful and is like, yeah, go do your thing.
That's fine. And you know, it helps with the kids and, and my kids are getting older. I only have two who can't drive now.
Julie Harris Oliver: Mm-hmm.
Marie Smith: And so that definitely makes things easier. I was not doing this when my kids were, you know, two and [00:07:00] four and six, right? Like,
Julie Harris Oliver: all hands on
Marie Smith: yeah, right. Like I wasn't doing it then. But I think, I never thought about the fact that I could do that.
Like I've been to Ireland, I've been to Italy. I'm like, I'm planning a, I have a sold out retreat to Spain next summer. I'm planning a retreat to Croatia next fall. Like I feel like I am creating this amazing life that has nothing to do with any menu. That was given to me.
Julie Harris Oliver: Hmm.
Marie Smith: so just this concept of living off menu and what that can look like, and it doesn't have to be going to Croatia, right?
Like it can be. Little things. It can be, but it can be. Right? Like it can be little things too. So anyway, that concept has been kicking around in my head. And I'm curious if you've read that book. Did that line stop you in your tracks? Like it did me, like I had to rewind and listen again. Like I was like, Ooh, hang on.
I need to pause and like think about this for like a block. Like, this is cool.
Julie Harris Oliver: I haven't read that book, but I have listened to the [00:08:00] podcast that that book came out of. So I
Marie Smith: Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: heard maybe every single episode.
Marie Smith: Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: and I do remember when they talked about that. And it's funny 'cause as you're describing it, a couple things are coming up for me. And one is that whole permission piece.
Marie Smith: Mm.
Julie Harris Oliver: Like how much of our lives are we waiting for permission
Marie Smith: Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: from who exactly are
Marie Smith: Right.
Julie Harris Oliver: for?
Marie Smith: Yeah. Ourselves.
Julie Harris Oliver: And I was talking with my son last night and we were talking about that concept, and my husband and I have talked about this too, about it's possible and so many people, myself included, live your whole life like waiting to see what happens to you, waiting to see what's gonna happen in your life, realizing that we have any agency at all about it or how much agency we have, and you can actually choose and create your life.
Marie Smith: Oh, uh,
Julie Harris Oliver: a concept that hit me. I think in my forties.
Marie Smith: yeah, that whole idea that we are co-creators of our life with God [00:09:00] or spirit universe, whatever you call that you know, we are co-creators of that. Like there's this, also what I teach is about purpose as being, as opposed to purpose as doing so your purpose.
Julie Harris Oliver: say more.
Marie Smith: Yes. So your purpose in life is more about how you show up and your job, what you're doing is more like the hat or the coat you put on that day.
So like, I believe that my purpose is to be of service, to help other people to motivate them and encourage them and inspire them to be the best that they can be. Well. I did that as a camp counselor. I do that as a friend. I did that as a school teacher. I do that as a mom. I do that as a coach. But I think if we, like if I were to say oh, my whole purpose in life was to be a school teacher.
Well, the minute I stopped being a school teacher, does that mean that I don't have a purpose anymore? No, of course not. Like that [00:10:00] doesn't make any sense for purpose to be what you do. And I think a lot of times we get caught up in that and. Uh, then, you know, later in life someone retires and then they're just lost because they feel like they have no purpose.
And so I think if we can shift that and think about that purpose as being, as opposed to purpose as doing then's, it's how you show up when you're at the checkout counter at Walgreens. It's how you show up, you know, in conversations with strangers, with loved ones at work at. Church at, you know, the cafe, like wherever you are, it's, you're always living on purpose when you're showing up as the person you were meant to be.
Julie Harris Oliver: And then the doing could be anything.
Marie Smith: And then the doing could be anything. You could have a whole closet full of hats that you put on that day. 'cause the doing isn't the main driver. It's how you're showing up in the world.
Julie Harris Oliver: [00:11:00] So were you clear on that purpose from jump, or is it looking backwards? You've been able to put all those dots together?
Marie Smith: Oh, that's from years of coaching. My love that is, that is actually from a class that I now teach. 'cause when I took it, it was like mind blowing. I'm like, oh my gosh, this. Is life changing right here. And that that little concept of purpose as being as opposed to doing came out of that clarity catalyst that I teach.
And it is it, it's one of those things that when. You know, when you explain it to people and like kind of like, okay, try this on. Like how does that feel? What do you think about that? Like, do you agree with that? Do you hate this? Do you know? Like what does it bring up for you? And some people say, like, I had one person say, oh my gosh, that's such a relief.
Like, that's so great. And then I had another person like, well, that's really intimidating. And I was like, oh, interesting. Tell me more. Like why is that intimidating? And she's like, [00:12:00] because. It's not like my purpose isn't just while I'm doing the thing. I have to be that all the time. And I think as women often we get caught up in the doing and we're, we're getting our worth from what we're doing, as opposed to it coming from the inside of I'm worthy just because, you know?
And so I thought,
Julie Harris Oliver: Halt.
Marie Smith: okay,
Julie Harris Oliver: say that sentence again.
Marie Smith: I am worthy. Just because,
Julie Harris Oliver: I just wanna let that sit for a minute, just people hearing that.
Marie Smith: yeah, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to. You are worthy because you are. I,
Julie Harris Oliver: I especially want all the people from New England to hear that.
Marie Smith: Well, I don't know. I think it's a, I mean, in the south we, you know, I'm born and raised in the south and it is. Like, we are very kind and welcoming, and [00:13:00] we get a lot of our worth about what we do. Like I am worthy because I do so much for other people. So I am worthy. I mean, think about like, I, I'm allowed to sit and watch TV because I did all of my chores first.
I,
Julie Harris Oliver: That's exactly what I'm referring to.
Marie Smith: yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: funny that, okay. That you're saying that it's that southern culture too, because my husband and my college roommate, both from New England, could not watch television until all the chores are done still, and they use the phrase, I have to justify my time.
Marie Smith: Yeah, I have to earn it.
Julie Harris Oliver: I have to earn it.
Marie Smith: Well, but we do it with food. Oh, well I can't have that unless I go work out first or I can't,
Julie Harris Oliver: a sweatshirt.
Marie Smith: then I can. Exactly. Yeah. It's very it's very complicated. We are very complicated beings, and I can say this and do I do the same thing? Oh yeah. Like if it's the middle of the day and I wanna sit down and watch something on tv, I'm like, I should probably fold [00:14:00] laundry while I do this.
Like, let me, you know, like
Julie Harris Oliver: watch
Marie Smith: I can't just sit here and watch a show. That would be ridiculous. Like, let me be, and, and I think part of that too is as a mom of five and a busy household, like I'm trying to be efficient also like.
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah,
Marie Smith: You know, so, but again, I, you know, I have to make sure in my crazy brain, am I doing this to earn this?
Like, do I think I'm not allowed to do this? Like, what's the, you know, so, but we, but
Julie Harris Oliver: with, am I allowed to rest?
Marie Smith: mm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: back to living off menu. So if we take the premise that I am worthy
Marie Smith: Mm-hmm.
Julie Harris Oliver: because
Marie Smith: Yeah, just because
Julie Harris Oliver: then what does that free you up for?
Marie Smith: it frees you up to do anything and everything that your heart desires because you deserve it no matter what, [00:15:00] like you are worthy of asking. For something different. You are worthy of having the imagination to be able to decide, you know, okay, what do I want my life to look like? Not what do I think it should look like?
What did my life look like when I was growing up? What do other people expect my life to look like? What do, will I disappoint someone if I live my life in a different way? And the answer is, yes, you will. You will disappoint someone. But as many wise coaches before me have said, if it's a choice between disappointing someone else and yourself, choose someone else.
Julie Harris Oliver: I, I viscerally feel this crashing against the puritanical values at this country
Marie Smith: Yeah,
Julie Harris Oliver: was founded on
I know.
could, I could feel it.
Marie Smith: Yeah. And, and, but it's funny too because like we're afraid to step out and do these things. [00:16:00] But we don't really follow that path. We don't follow that thoughtfully. We're like, oh, I can't do that. And it, and we never say, why not?
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah, why not?
Marie Smith: Why not? Well, because then, okay, let's, let's walk through this.
So I have had clients. Who, and I have to say I am a big believer as a mother and wife that it takes two to make 'em, and it takes two to raise 'em. And when a dad is in charge of his children, he is not babysitting.
Julie Harris Oliver: Oh Lord, no.
Marie Smith: Okay. So, but I often hear moms be like, oh yeah, my husband's babysitting tonight so I can go out.
And I'm like, they're his children. He's,
Julie Harris Oliver: He's parenting.
Marie Smith: he's, he's not babysitting. Are you,
Julie Harris Oliver: do.
Marie Smith: are you babysitting when he's not home? I don't think so. Like,
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah.
Marie Smith: so,
Julie Harris Oliver: what a radical feminist stance.
Marie Smith: I, I'm right. Like so insane. Like no, [00:17:00] he's, yeah, that absolutely should be the baseline. But they, you know, well, I can't go out, I can't go out at six o'clock to meet somebody for dinner.
Well, why not? Well, 'cause I need to put the kids to bed. Well, can't your husband put the kids to bed? Oh, well that would, that might be too much for him. What, what's gonna, what would he do if you weren't there?
Julie Harris Oliver: He'd figure it out.
Marie Smith: He'd figure it out, right? Like,
Julie Harris Oliver: the man out as a captain of industry to run the world,
Marie Smith: yes, he can manage bedtime. Like I, but I think she, in her mind. Had created this system in her house where she did that to not put him out. And so
Julie Harris Oliver: I would say she was conditioned from birth
Marie Smith: Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure that's what, yes. Oh, I'm sure that's what her house looked like growing up. Right. And, and. I think my view, my [00:18:00] mother was way ahead of her time.
Like she was not like, you know, clean house, fresh bow in her hair, dinner on the table when my dad got home, right? Like, yeah, no, like that was not the thing. In fact, she had a cookbook that she showed me one time. She was like, look at this. And I think it was like a Better Homes and Gardens cookbook or something.
And it was, it had like a section talking about. Dinner should be on the table. When your husband walks in the door, the children need to have their faces clean and fresh clothes on, and you should have a fresh bow in your hair, like literally said that. And she and I were like, howling with laughter.
We're like, this is hilarious. Like, you know. So. I think when you are conditioned like that to think that like these are the roles assigned to you in life. Even though, even though when we're little we are told you can be anything you wanna be.
Julie Harris Oliver: Mm-hmm. Here's your doll.
Marie Smith: Yeah. Sometimes the people who say that don't [00:19:00] really mean it, you can be anything you wanna be on this menu.
Right? Like. Or if you know, oh, a woman's gonna be a doctor. Oh wow. Isn't that incredible? But what about her kids? Who's gonna take care of,
Julie Harris Oliver: suffer?
Marie Smith: yeah. Right. Like it's very two-faced this, these standards that we have and I'm not here for it,
Julie Harris Oliver: I
even though it
has grown since it was, you could be a nurse, a teacher, a secretary.
Marie Smith: Right, right, right.
Julie Harris Oliver: much larger,
the menu is much larger but we .
Failed to offload percent of the domestic work
Marie Smith: Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: it.
Marie Smith: And the mental load.
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah,
Marie Smith: Yeah, there's definitely, and I will say, I will be the first to admit, Julie, I am still guilty of this. I find myself having these thoughts and I'm like, snap out of it. You know, like, what are you doing? Like, but it's, you know, it's years of conditioning and, and the example that we were given.
And so,
Julie Harris Oliver: do it and I'm mad about it. It is not a thought in my husband's head that [00:20:00] I should be doing that.
Marie Smith: oh, oh, of course not. Yeah,
Julie Harris Oliver: yeah.
Marie Smith: I know.
Julie Harris Oliver: So considering all of that, it occurs to me, it actually takes a lot of courage to make a different choice and ooh, I just reminded of, did you ever say that Tracy Ellis Ross speech,
Marie Smith: Oh, I don't know.
Julie Harris Oliver: she talked about my life is mine.
Marie Smith: Ooh, no, but I just got chills when you said that. Can you say it again?
Julie Harris Oliver: My life is mine.
Marie Smith: Ooh.
Julie Harris Oliver: a radical thought. Because she was I think at the time she was pushing back against, she doesn't have a husband, she doesn't have children, getting a lot of pushback for that.
Marie Smith: Mm.
Julie Harris Oliver: why aren't you doing these things you're supposed to do? She's like,
Marie Smith: Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: is mine.
I can
Marie Smith: Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: with
Marie Smith: 'cause I don't wanna,
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah, it's a radical notion and in the society it takes so much courage
Marie Smith: it does,
Julie Harris Oliver: to do that.
Marie Smith: I know.
Julie Harris Oliver: how do we muster the courage?
Marie Smith: Well, you have to do a few things I think. I think one of the things is [00:21:00] quieting that inner critic because that voice, whether it's your own voice that you're hearing, or it's your grandmother's voice, or your dad's voice, or you know, that teacher at school, somebody, there's a voice in there and whether it's, you know, actually something that you heard your mom or dad say or something that someone actually said to you.
Whatever example you saw, that voice was created with that line of, you know, stay small, don't, don't branch out too much.
Julie Harris Oliver: That's probably not your voice.
Marie Smith: it's, it, it's definitely not your voice because your true inner voice of wisdom, your voice of wisdom, your inner sage, your whatever you wanna call it, your conscience, the Holy Spirit, like whatever that voice.
Wants you to live to your absolute fullest. Are you familiar with uh, oh my gosh, I'm gonna forget his name.
Julie Harris Oliver: Are you familiar with that?
Marie Smith: [00:22:00] I am familiar, and now I can't think of his name. Kelly is his last name. He's an author a Catholic author, but his, one of the things that he says is, you know, God just wants you to be the best version of yourself.
Like. And the best version of yourself, if you know you have more to give and you're not giving it, you're not being the best version of yourself, right? So that, that inner voice, that inner sage is always going to encourage you to use your gifts and live your life to the absolute fullest. And so I think if we can quiet that inner voice of don't do that, people are gonna make fun of you.
What are the neighbors gonna think? You know, oh, you can't do that. That's women in your family. Don't do that. You know, then, then you're like, okay, wait a second. That doesn't sound right. That's, that's, and again, that voice is here to keep you safe. And it served a purpose for many decades, probably. [00:23:00] But now it's not serving you anymore.
And it's okay to be like, you know what? Thank you. Thank you.
Julie Harris Oliver: you.
Marie Smith: Voice of judgment. I appreciate you so much for keeping me safe, but I am onboarding some new ideas and some new beliefs, and so I need you to take a backseat and we're gonna listen to the voice of wisdom right now.
Julie Harris Oliver: Your service is no longer needed here.
Marie Smith: That's right. That's right.
We're, we're not, you know, we're not kicking 'em out, we're not being ugly about it. We're not fighting it. 'cause you know what? You resist persists. We're just acknowledging. You can, you can move on. We're,
Julie Harris Oliver: uh, like Liz Gilbert talks about fear in big
Marie Smith: yes,
Julie Harris Oliver: We know you're gonna be on the road trip,
Marie Smith: that's right.
Julie Harris Oliver: to drive, you don't get to man the radio.
Marie Smith: That's right.
Julie Harris Oliver: in the backseat
Marie Smith: That's right. That's right. Just be quiet. You don't get to give me directions. Exactly. Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: So I am wondering if you were to think about, okay, I wanna start living off the menu, and I imagine it doesn't have to be some big, [00:24:00] huge life changing decision. I imagine it's a bunch of experiments. how, how do you start dipping your toe
Marie Smith: your toe. So something that I didn't, at the time, I certainly didn't think of it as living off menu, but like looking back, I can see it as that I was training for a half marathon and I really needed to get a run in this particular day. And it was like five o'clock, five 30, which is usually when I start dinner.
And I said out loud to my husband, I'm like, I really need to go for a run. And he was like. Go and I was like but it's dinner time. And he's like, I can make dinner
Julie Harris Oliver: I am anxious hearing this request. anxious and I'm also, and I hope we get to a point where I am not so impressed with your husband.
Marie Smith: Well, he's amazing. I will say, and it's funny because for years I was in the like traditional wife, mom, gender role[00:25:00]
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah.
Marie Smith: that I completely created for. It had N he never expected me to make dinner every night. Me to always do the laundry, me to take the kids to school, pick the kids up from school, take her. I just like, this is what moms do.
And I like did it. And so I. And, and it's funny 'cause like he was just looking at me baffled. And then I'm thinking, I'm like, well, yes, of course. 'cause when you need to go for a run, you just go for a flip and run. Like you don't ask me, you just do it. You just go. And so he is like, yeah, go. And so I went and I anxiously,
Julie Harris Oliver: to negotiate it. You
Marie Smith: no, I ju I didn't even really ask.
I just said I need to go for a run. I made a statement and he was like, then go for a run. I was like, oh. I didn't know I could do that.
Julie Harris Oliver: wow. Wow.
Marie Smith: Isn't that sexy?
Julie Harris Oliver: Actually it's so sex. I say this all the time, nothing sexier than a man who, who's a feminist
Marie Smith: Yeah. I mean, right. But it so, [00:26:00] it, it so that, like, looking back, it's like that kind of thing,
Julie Harris Oliver: Mm-hmm.
Marie Smith: little like just breaking out of whatever expectation. You have for yourself or another's expectation that you are agreeing with and accepting. Breaking out of that is living off menu like that is, you know, like you said, just like dipping your toe in it and maybe it's asking for help.
Women don't do that a lot. You could, ask for help with something little at home. You could ask for help with something big. But that's gonna help you create that life that you're looking for because you might not know all the things. I mean, I don't know all the things. So I ask for help. I'm like, Hey, you know, who knows about that?
Julie knows about that. Let me ask her. She might have experience with that.
Julie Harris Oliver: It is like, what if we had needs and we [00:27:00] were allowed to meet them?
Marie Smith: Girl, that's a whole nother podcast like that is, that is my whole mastermind. I'm like, can we, number one, be aware of the fact that we have needs and acknowledge that like, yes, I have a need, and decide that you're going to fill it and then actually fill it,
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah.
Marie Smith: like.
Julie Harris Oliver: there's a, there's an incredible coach for women in Los Angeles called, uh, Andrea Quinn is her name, and she does the quintessentials.
Marie Smith: Oh, love it.
Julie Harris Oliver: I took her class and one of her first lessons is learning to receive as a woman. And so the exercise is go to Trader Joe's. Let them bag your groceries, ask for help to your car. You carry your flowers and the whole room tenses up.
Marie Smith: I was gonna say, everybody's shoulders are in ears. Stomachs are
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah.
Marie Smith: quivering.
Julie Harris Oliver: do this exercise.
Marie Smith: Yeah,
Julie Harris Oliver: And I am [00:28:00] standing there sitting on my hands while the woman is bagging my groceries, and she's getting annoyed that I'm not bagging my groceries. And so it'd be, it's really hard 'cause
Marie Smith: yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: off that she's bagging my groceries.
And so I did not then have the nerve to ask for help out. I got much better at it later. But this first time, letting her bag, the groceries was so painful. I pushed my cart out myself, and then because I was so uncomfortable, I unload my groceries, I take my cart, I collected every stray cart in the parking lot
Marie Smith: Then
Julie Harris Oliver: worked for Trader Joe's now.
Marie Smith: gonna say, now you have a job.
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah, yeah. And I was like, I could not have failed that assignment. More spectacularly
Marie Smith: No, but isn't that interesting? Isn't all of that, that's just, it is very revealing and very interesting and just data. That you have about yourself and you're like, oh, okay. I have a hard time getting help. You know what? I learned how to get help is I, so I am BRCA two positive. My mom [00:29:00] died from breast cancer at 58 and I did not want.
That for my children. So I had a double mastectomy hysterectomy, like got rid of everything that might try to kill me.
Julie Harris Oliver: Yep.
Marie Smith: That is like, after that surgery, it's a big deal. Like you've got drains, you can't pick up anything like you basically can.
Julie Harris Oliver: had it done.
Marie Smith: Oh. So, you know. Yeah.
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah.
Marie Smith: it is, it's a, it's a thing. And and my girlfriend took me on a retreat before the the surgery and she was like, okay.
Who is gonna help you? And I'm like, oh, well, I mean, like John Henry, I've got John Henry and you know, the older kids. And she's like, Marie, no, you need help. You're gonna need help getting the, because he's gonna be helping you. So you need someone to help with the kids. So how are they gonna get home from school?
What about dinner? What about like, all of this? And I was like, and just even her asking, I'm like, it, it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Like I could, I could feel, and it was like. And something my sister told me, [00:30:00] she was like, listen, when you help other people, and maybe this is a Catholic thing, but like we feel like when we are helpful we get grace from God.
Julie Harris Oliver: Mm-hmm.
Marie Smith: you are robbing people of their grace when you,
Julie Harris Oliver: the gift.
Marie Smith: when you don't let them help. Exactly. And so if I want to be a helper, which is like my thing, I'm a two on the Enneagram, like I love to help. If I'm gonna be a helper, there has to be someone to receive, and so therefore, I have to learn to receive.
And so I have gotten so much better, so much better at asking for help because I am always the first one to offer help and it's okay to receive help too. So, but again, learning that. Like you said the first time, it is real hard.
Julie Harris Oliver: It was rough.
Marie Smith: It is rough. You then, then you get a job at Trader Joe's. That can happen when you try to receive help.
That's right.
Julie Harris Oliver: I've gotten much better at it for
Marie Smith: Yeah. Good. That's good. Yeah,
Julie Harris Oliver: Okay, so [00:31:00] looking at the time, what else would you leave us with about. Having the courage to live off menu.
Marie Smith: I think. I would to start, like to even know where to begin, I think I would, you know, light a candle, put on some soft music, get out your journal, or if you don't have a journal, just get out a piece of paper and a pencil and write down things that you've been curious about wanting to try, would love to do, used to do before.
Fill in the blank. Whether that's before you got married, before you had kids, before you started working, before you, you know, whatever.
Julie Harris Oliver: responsibilities.
Marie Smith: Yes, before adulting took over. You know, and just write those things down and look at 'em and be like, okay, is this something I really wanna do? And like, circle three of 'em.
Like, what are the ones that are like, really I wanna do? And write a, [00:32:00] write down to yourself the reasons why. You can't do that?
Julie Harris Oliver: Oh,
Marie Smith: I can't. I can't do this because, okay, and write that down. Okay? Then I want you to take a minute. Don't look at it and imagine that your best friend handed you that sheet of paper,
Julie Harris Oliver: Hmm.
Marie Smith: and you're gonna look at that piece of paper and be like, this is a bunch of bs.
There is no reason why you should not be doing these things that you love.
Julie Harris Oliver: Yeah.
Marie Smith: That bring you joy, that nourish you, that excite you, that interest you. And then write down all the reasons that you can do it and map it out. How are you gonna make, just pick one. 'cause three could be scary. Pick one. How are you gonna make this happen?
How are you gonna do it? Orchestrate it. Map it out. And if you have to pretend that you're mapping it out for your best friend, 'cause you want her to have this experience. Great. If that makes it easier, [00:33:00] but just know that you are the best friend that's actually you.
Julie Harris Oliver: And then do one thing.
Marie Smith: And then do one thing. Yeah. And see how that feels. And maybe it's scary and maybe it's, you know, maybe it is going to Trader Joe's and asking them to carry your groceries to the car. You know, like
Julie Harris Oliver: small.
Marie Smith: it does sound small. No, that is, I mean, think about how many times, like. At, I mean, I know at Publix they always ask, do you need help to your car?
Never once have I said yes. Never Once.
Julie Harris Oliver: Try it.
Marie Smith: I, I think I will.
Julie Harris Oliver: It's luxurious.
Marie Smith: I will. I'm gonna live off menu by getting somebody to carry my groceries to the car.
Julie Harris Oliver: We'll start small
Marie Smith: That's right.
Julie Harris Oliver: and then we'll go live in Paris
Marie Smith: That's right. Why not? Yeah. Come. Come to Croatia with me next fall.
Julie Harris Oliver: that's right. Okay. How can people find you, especially if they want to go to Croatia?
Marie Smith: Yes. So, golden hour coaching.com is my website. You can sign up for my newsletter there and [00:34:00] you can find me on Instagram at my golden hour coaching. Marie at Golden Hour Coaching is my email and yeah, I would love to, oh, I do have like a free gift if people want a free gift.
Julie Harris Oliver: Say
Marie Smith: Yeah. Okay.
Julie Harris Oliver: wants a
Marie Smith: So, I have a stress SOS guide. It's tools that you can use in the moment of stress. It's not like meditation and journaling, which are great, but like if you're in the middle of a stressful situation, you can't be like, excuse me.
Julie Harris Oliver: Excuse me.
Marie Smith: I need five minutes to pull out my journal. These are tools that you can use in the moment.
So if they, uh, text, uh, SOS, that's the message, SOS to 6, 6 8, 6 6, it will ask for their name and email and they put that in and I will email it right over.
Julie Harris Oliver: How cool.
Marie Smith: Yeah,
Julie Harris Oliver: Thank you. Thank you, Marie.
Marie Smith: of course. Oh my gosh, this was so lovely. Thank you for having me.
Julie Harris Oliver: So fun.
This has been deep work out loud. I'm Julie Harris Oliver. [00:35:00] I'd like to thank Marie Smith for joining the podcast. If any of this resonates with you, please subscribe. Leave a review at all the podcast places. And if you'd like to work with me, you can find me at julieharrisoliver.com and let me leave you with this.
What might it look like if you were to do a little experiment here or they're living off menu?
Try some things and report back. Thanks for listening. See you next time.